and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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