I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
