I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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