My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
