why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
FUCK WHALES
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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