If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
