Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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