i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I don't deserve a penis
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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