It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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