"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
