dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Who wears a wallet chain?!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
