I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
