Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
