im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
