Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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