And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Randomize
