I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
