i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
