I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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