If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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