I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
