I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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