Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
