Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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