I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
