Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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