Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
