I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
