I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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