Don't make out with my wife yet
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
