I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
