I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
