We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
