have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
