some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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