he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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