I'm going to jail i love you
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
