I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
