I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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