I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize