I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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