Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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