y did u give ur computer a hand job?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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