this just has baby written all over it
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
