When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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