Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
