I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
