If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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