we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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