did you get engaged???
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
