Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
